Friday, June 3, 2011

Dear Kate, 

I couldn't write to you about this earlier because it took some time for it to become funny.  You know how I said the cicada plague had come to TN?  Well, my dogs viewed the disgusting onslaught as God's manna for dogs.  The bugs were "ripe for the picking" across the lawn as they climbed to the top of the grass to begin shedding their grotesque exoskeletons.  

Of course, cicadas are not a typical part of the domestic dog's diet - but this did not stop my dogs from frolicking through the yard eating the insects like popcorn. Sure I found this gross but even when it gave them gas I didn't think much of it.  Until they started getting diarrhea.  

Thank goodness Chris was home for the summer so he could let them out 20x a day.  But Chris was planning to visit his parents... and Ender still had diarrhea.  

Well, given Ender's neurotic personality, I told Chris not to put him in his crate (because he would FREAK OUT if he pooped in his crate and had to stay in there), but to put him in the kitchen and block it off when he left for GA.  

After a 12 hour work day, what did I find when I got home?  A messy kitchen?  No.  I was greeted by 2 dogs at the front door and the most revolting smell you can imagine x 10 (yes, even worse than when the fridge stopped working while we were on vacation for 2 weeks).  

Ender had apparently panicked after realizing that he was going to poop in our house and jumped over the TWO gates that Chris had put up.  He had then wandered through the entire house (minus closed bedroom, thank the Lord) pooping and panicking.  There was poo on the floor, poo on my books, poo in the tub!  Yes, IN THE TUB!  And worst of all, poo all over the couch.  

After crying, calling Chris to scream at his voicemail, and putting both dogs outside (where I'm sure they feasted on more cicadas), I began cleaning everything with bleach water.  Thank goodness for hardwood floors!  I had to open all the windows and turn on every fan just to keep from gagging.  

I quickly realized that the couch was un-salvageable.  So I pushed and shoved it out the door.  I'm sure my neighbors thought Chris and I were splitting up.  He leaves and doesn't return and now I'm throwing things out into the yard at 9 o' clock at night...  

I finally got everything clean by 11:30.  Then I gave Ender some Immodium and collapsed into bed.  On a side note, despite the fact that it rained every day for the next 4 or 5 days (soaking the poo ever deeper into the fabric), some frat boys came and hauled it off to become the newest piece of disgusting furniture in their house.  


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