Friday, January 22, 2016

Dear Kate,

I have never asked the question, "do I smell like spit up?" I always smell like spit up. Breast-fed baby spit up has a milky smell with faint yogurty undertones. I've considered bottling the scent and selling it as my signature perfume under the name Eau de Mommy.

The question I actually asked was, "do I smell like baby vomit?" Baby vomit, unlike spit up, has a pungent rancid milk odor with undertones of acid and death. The only reason you'd want to bottle that scent would be if you were going to market the perfume as birth control...

Those weirdos with like 19 kids who think they need to "outnumber the Muslims" must not have babies who vomit...

Feeling pensive,

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