Friday, January 8, 2016

Dear Kate,

Well, I sent my first resume out. That may not seem like a big deal, but it really is.

First, I had to overcome the fact that I love being home with my kids. It will be really hard to go back to work even part-time because I truly and actually like being with them. (Though if you ask me when they are both actively tantrumming, I may cry a little when I say it).

Second, I had to overcome my anxiety. And without zoloft!

I had to overcome my anxiety about revising my resume.
- I know it's supposed to make me look good, but those fancy words just make me feel like I'm lying.  I don't want to lie! But wait, if I don't include the things I can do, that's lying too! Why is there no such thing as a humble resume?? What if my references all secretly hate me?  What if that one reference tells that story about how I cried uncontrollably during one of my finals??

I had to overcome my anxiety about sending it out.
- What if they never contact me? I don't think I can take that kind of rejection! What if they do contact me? I'll have to talk to someone on the phone! I might have to interview - and meet people! I'll have to wear dress clothes and be uncomfortable while I sip way too much water and spend the whole time trying not to think about how much I have to pee!!

I had to overcome my anxiety of being offered a job.
- I'll have to talk to someone about money! I'll lose sleep worrying about negotiating only to accept whatever they offer with a "sounds great"! I'll have to talk to someone about what hours and days will work for me.  What if I can't find someone to watch the kids so I have to secretly take them to work with me and lock them in an unused exam room, only occasionally sticking my head in to replenish their snacks and give them more tongue depressors and latex gloves to play with??

I even had to overcome my anxiety about the anxiety I will have when I start a new job.
-New supervising physician, nurses, and EMR, oh my! What if my new SP is super controlling and only lets me transcribe his visits with patients? What if she's super lax and tries to make me perform open heart surgery all by myself in the primary care clinic? What if I piss off the nurses on my first day??  What if the computer system asks "Are you sure?" every time I click anything????

But I did it.  I overcame all that and more - there are still some anxieties I am just not willing to share with the internet.

Is this post too long? (feeling a little anxious about it)

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